I hate sissies

Sissies have a special way of getting under my skin. I do not like them one bit. I see a sissy and I’m tempted to smack some manhood into him. Urban dictionary defines a sissy as guy that is ‘a wimp, *a P word that I cannot put here*, and weak.’ The definition is spot-on. It however does not cover all the little annoying characters that compose a sissy. I will therefore expound on this definition over the next few paragraphs.

You can easily spot a sissy from a distance. He walks like Tyra Banks. Heck he even looks like her (only difference is the moustache). He has a girly hairstyle and he wears scarfs that look like shawls. He wears tight T-shirts and shiny/colored, skinny jeans. If a guy that looks (or sounds) like Jimmy Gait drove up to me and lowered his sun-glasses and offered me a lift, I would decline so fast. I don’t care if it’s raining cats and dogs or if I’m late for a job interview, no way I’m getting into that car.

A sissy is a wuss. He is scared of saying what is on his mind and prefers beating around the bush. He will look at a beautiful chick and utter the weirdest of compliments. Instead of simply saying you look beautiful, he says something like “Wow! who does your pedicure?” or “That’s a cute handbag.” A sissy will like a chick but he will not tell her. Instead, he will hang around her and listen attentively as she whines about her jerk of a boyfriend. A sissy will take a chick he likes to the rave and by the end of the night he will be sitting alone at a corner, sipping on his Black ice as he watches ‘his chick’ getting intimate with another guy.

A sissy sings along to tunes like ‘oh na na what’s my name…’ A sissy will spend his Sunday afternoons in the salon getting his eyebrows tweezed and his skin toned. A sissy talks like a girl. He uses words like woishe, and oh my gosh. I don’t care how good Chris Brown is on the dance floor but no man should ever refer to another man’s act as hot. It’s just wrong. A sissy sees a kitten and goes like, “awwww sho shweet.” I just smacked myself for writing that.

A sissy is full of issues. He is constantly on his ‘monthlies’. He is always talking about his haters and how people seem to be all over his business, while in real sense no one cares. He is in constant need of attention and approval. He updates his status on facebook more times that he blinks. He will put a status update and if no one likes or comments, he will put another controversial one minutes later just to draw some attention.

A sissy takes a lot of crap. A sissy will see his chick openly flirting with another guy and he will not do anything about it. In fact he will look the other way and try not to cry. He is a pushover. He cannot confront anyone. A stranger will step on his shoes but he’ll be the one apologizing for putting his foot on the way. He cannot stand up for himself.

A sissy is very insecure. He does not believe in himself. He calls his girlfriend after every half hour because he fears she might be with another man. He is always snooping and he whines more than she does.

A sissy carries his girlfriend’s handbag.

If you cohabit with your girlfriend and you have a schedule for cooking and washing dishes between the two of you, then you are a sissy. I’m not saying that a man should never go into the kitchen. If she’s admitted in the ICU for example, then it’s okay to step in. But if on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays it’s your turn to put on that apron and step into the kitchen, you are a big sissy.

I do not like the sight of a man shedding tears. It’s never pretty. But even the toughest men weep from time to time. Life is full of agonizing experiences. But if a man cries like a small girl because ‘the love of his life’ won’t give him the time of day, then he is a big sissy. Dear men, if you get your ass dumped, please save the crying for your bed. That’s acceptable. But when you meet the boys, please man up. Whine as much as you want and feel free call her a female dog but don’t break down in front of the boys because you’ve been dumped. That’s being a sissy.

For God’s sake unless you are a self proclaimed sissy, don’t cry at the end of one of those romantic comedies. Don’t be caught watching a Mexican soap even if you’ve been abducted and you are tied to a chair. Unless you spent the better part of your upbringing in Thara Nithi, any man who watches Nigerian movies is a sissy. As hard as it is to comprehend, not all men love soccer. I respect that. But if your boys are hooked on the finals of the Champions League and you’re asking if it’s the World Cup final, then we have a problem. The problem is that you are a sissy.

A sissy has weird taste. His favorite movie is Twilight. He thinks Expendables is too violent. He would rather watch Gossip girl than 24. His favorite radio station is Easy fm. His favorite drink is Snapp. His favorite color is pink. Tyra Banks is his role model.

Guys, sissies are on the increase. Before long you’ll see a sissy vying for presidency and if he wins (God forbid) that will be the end of manhood as you know it. Men will be forced to apply mascara. If this post does not make any difference, I will organize a walk. I will mobilize a crowd and we will walk around town with placards to protest against sissies. What happened to men being men?