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Men too, get sentimental

July 2, 2012 17 comments

I was sitting with my laptop staring at a blank word document (that was just as blank as my mind) before Tyrese came on tv.  Is it just me or is there a big incongruity between how Tyrese looks and the genre of music he does? See when you look at a guy like Bruno Mars and you hear him sing his hit Grenade, it makes sense. Tyrese on the other hand looks like one of those unruly, hardcore rappers. You know those that rap about shooting n*ggers and smoking weed. The bad ass character he plays in the movie Death Race fits his look better than the singing. I’m watching him sing his heart out as he performs one of his popular hits, SWEET LADY. Despite the tough guy look this guy is as sappy as they come.

Unlike Tyrese, most men would rather walk on red-hot charcoal than reveal their sentimental side to the masses. We walk around acting like we have little skulls where our hearts should be. We act like tough emotionless creatures who never pay attention to matters of the heart. You are more likely to get a crook to confess to theft than to get a man to admit that ‘he is in love’. The L-Word is not a part of our vocabulary. But most often than not, the tough guy look is merely a façade.

Men might not be as emotional as the ladies. We might not need to remove our hankies to wipe away tears at the end of a sappy story; we might not find soap operas enthralling; we might not have Westlife on our playlists, but each and every man has a story. And there’s always a chick somewhere that can tell that story. Every man gets whipped at some point in his life; and a whipped man is a man saturated with emotion.

You can always spot a man that’s whipped. He is tame and gentle when around the object of his affection. He looks at her when she speaks. There’s that smoky, sultry look in his eyes. The tone on his voice is soft and low. He will sit as close as possible to his lady and will keep touching her. Not one of those lustful touches but an innocuous, subconscious one.

While I was out last week I witnessed something interesting. A few tables from where I was seated, I discerned a whipped man. He was seated next to a very pretty, chilled-out lady. I knew the man was whipped because he was trying really hard. I could tell that it was intense over there. The guy did most of the talking while the chick listened on. Occasionally he would stop talking and stare at her, probably waiting for an answer. She however didn’t seem to give him the answer that he wanted. She was not being snobbish; she just seemed to have a different stand-point.

I could see that the two were having one of those serious talks that shape people’s futures. At some point the guy even took off his spectacles and I couldn’t help thinking that he had literally seen the light. Unlike many other boys in the club, this one was not just trying to get laid. He was seeking something deep. He would put his hand on her arm as he spoke and he looked at her like she was something out of this planet.

That’s a guy that was ready to do anything for a chick. I suspected he’d spent the afternoon with her in the salon as she was getting her hair done. He looked like he was about to go all Tyrese on her and start singing Sweet Lady. Heck he looked like he might burst into tears and weep into her bosom. I couldn’t help feeling sorry for the poor guy.

A man’s true nature is revealed, not when in battle, but when alongside the object of his affection.

Isn’t it funny how a man will act all macho in the streets but go all soft when he is with the lady he adores? It’s amazing how a woman can strip all that bravado charade and reveal the raw emotion veiled within. In that regard, I have come up with a list of DOs and DON’Ts for the men out there who might find themselves in this tricky situation:

  1. Don’t beat around the bush. Just say it as it is. Don’t shy away from telling her why you want her in your life. Fungua roho.
  2. Sell yourself while at it. There are countless other men out there who have also noticed her. Make yourself special. Just be careful not to appear conceited.
  3. Flirt with her. Look for that distinct quality that makes her stand out. Be careful not to seem like you are simply after sex.
  4. Get to know her. Take interest in her. Ask her questions and listen attentively. Remembering something that she told you some time back will go a long way.
  5. Impress her. It’s not that hard to impress her once you’ve gotten to know what she’s into. Get to know what she likes/dislikes and you will come out as thoughtful.
  6. Show her that you care. Open the door for her; pull her a chair; ask her if she’s freezing (and hope she says no because you will have to give her your jacket). Actions speak louder than words.
  7. Don’t get worked up when she doesn’t respond as you want. Do not lose your cool and start banging the table. Stay calm and you might just win her over.
  8. For God’s sake don’t threaten to do anything stupid. Telling her that you will hang yourself if she doesn’t take you is not advisable.
  9. Don’t be too needy. Give her some space. Desist from texting her every 5 minutes to let her know that you’re thinking about her.
  10. Be yourself. Don’t feel the need to appear sophisticated. Good table manners are in order but you do not need to flaunt your French proficiency.
  11. Do not try to win her over by spending big. Don’t spoil her too much in the initial stages. You want her to fall for you, not your money.
  12. Don’t be a sissy. You do not have to start watching her favorite soap just so that you can have something in common. You do not have to sit with her at the salon. Don’t carry her handbag.
  13. Don’t talk/act like one of her girlfriends. That’s how boys end up in the friends zone.
  14. Do not believe in crappy sayings. Like the one that says that if it was meant to be then it will be. You go and make it happen.
  15. Do not stalk her!
  16. If she’s worth it, don’t give up easily. At times a chick just wants to see that you are sincere. Remember, persistence breaks resistance.
  17. Lastly, if she’s a soft one, you could try shedding a tear. You don’t want anyone else to see this so ensure it’s just the two of you. Ladies like a man who can show some emotion.
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Categories: Behavior

I hate sissies

May 21, 2012 19 comments

Sissies have a special way of getting under my skin. I do not like them one bit. I see a sissy and I’m tempted to smack some manhood into him. Urban dictionary defines a sissy as guy that is ‘a wimp, *a P word that I cannot put here*, and weak.’ The definition is spot-on. It however does not cover all the little annoying characters that compose a sissy. I will therefore expound on this definition over the next few paragraphs.

You can easily spot a sissy from a distance. He walks like Tyra Banks. Heck he even looks like her (only difference is the moustache). He has a girly hairstyle and he wears scarfs that look like shawls. He wears tight T-shirts and shiny/colored, skinny jeans. If a guy that looks (or sounds) like Jimmy Gait drove up to me and lowered his sun-glasses and offered me a lift, I would decline so fast. I don’t care if it’s raining cats and dogs or if I’m late for a job interview, no way I’m getting into that car.

A sissy is a wuss. He is scared of saying what is on his mind and prefers beating around the bush. He will look at a beautiful chick and utter the weirdest of compliments. Instead of simply saying you look beautiful, he says something like “Wow! who does your pedicure?” or “That’s a cute handbag.” A sissy will like a chick but he will not tell her. Instead, he will hang around her and listen attentively as she whines about her jerk of a boyfriend. A sissy will take a chick he likes to the rave and by the end of the night he will be sitting alone at a corner, sipping on his Black ice as he watches ‘his chick’ getting intimate with another guy.

A sissy sings along to tunes like ‘oh na na what’s my name…’ A sissy will spend his Sunday afternoons in the salon getting his eyebrows tweezed and his skin toned. A sissy talks like a girl. He uses words like woishe, and oh my gosh. I don’t care how good Chris Brown is on the dance floor but no man should ever refer to another man’s act as hot. It’s just wrong. A sissy sees a kitten and goes like, “awwww sho shweet.” I just smacked myself for writing that.

A sissy is full of issues. He is constantly on his ‘monthlies’. He is always talking about his haters and how people seem to be all over his business, while in real sense no one cares. He is in constant need of attention and approval. He updates his status on facebook more times that he blinks. He will put a status update and if no one likes or comments, he will put another controversial one minutes later just to draw some attention.

A sissy takes a lot of crap. A sissy will see his chick openly flirting with another guy and he will not do anything about it. In fact he will look the other way and try not to cry. He is a pushover. He cannot confront anyone. A stranger will step on his shoes but he’ll be the one apologizing for putting his foot on the way. He cannot stand up for himself.

A sissy is very insecure. He does not believe in himself. He calls his girlfriend after every half hour because he fears she might be with another man. He is always snooping and he whines more than she does.

A sissy carries his girlfriend’s handbag.

If you cohabit with your girlfriend and you have a schedule for cooking and washing dishes between the two of you, then you are a sissy. I’m not saying that a man should never go into the kitchen. If she’s admitted in the ICU for example, then it’s okay to step in. But if on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays it’s your turn to put on that apron and step into the kitchen, you are a big sissy.

I do not like the sight of a man shedding tears. It’s never pretty. But even the toughest men weep from time to time. Life is full of agonizing experiences. But if a man cries like a small girl because ‘the love of his life’ won’t give him the time of day, then he is a big sissy. Dear men, if you get your ass dumped, please save the crying for your bed. That’s acceptable. But when you meet the boys, please man up. Whine as much as you want and feel free call her a female dog but don’t break down in front of the boys because you’ve been dumped. That’s being a sissy.

For God’s sake unless you are a self proclaimed sissy, don’t cry at the end of one of those romantic comedies. Don’t be caught watching a Mexican soap even if you’ve been abducted and you are tied to a chair. Unless you spent the better part of your upbringing in Thara Nithi, any man who watches Nigerian movies is a sissy. As hard as it is to comprehend, not all men love soccer. I respect that. But if your boys are hooked on the finals of the Champions League and you’re asking if it’s the World Cup final, then we have a problem. The problem is that you are a sissy.

A sissy has weird taste. His favorite movie is Twilight. He thinks Expendables is too violent. He would rather watch Gossip girl than 24. His favorite radio station is Easy fm. His favorite drink is Snapp. His favorite color is pink. Tyra Banks is his role model.

Guys, sissies are on the increase. Before long you’ll see a sissy vying for presidency and if he wins (God forbid) that will be the end of manhood as you know it. Men will be forced to apply mascara. If this post does not make any difference, I will organize a walk. I will mobilize a crowd and we will walk around town with placards to protest against sissies. What happened to men being men?

Categories: Behavior

Why you never heard from him again

April 16, 2012 19 comments

Most men would rather undergo a vasectomy than admit that they read relationship articles. But I am coming clean to admit that I cannot go through the Sunday Nation without reading Dr. Chris Hart’s article on relationships. I even subscribed to the blog Project44 because Fridah and Joyce write some interesting eye-opening articles regarding men and women.

So after overhearing a guy telling his buddy about a ‘not so amazing’ date he had, I thought I should write something on this contentious topic. That’s the least I could do for this brother. He sounded really disappointed. You’d think the girl showed up in gumboots.

Every man has a similar story. We’ve all been disappointed one time or another. I’m glad I came across this whiny guy because he inspired me to write about some of the traits that turn men off. It is a bitter pill to swallow especially if you had such big expectations. Ladies you better pay attention.

Lateness – I cannot stand people that can’t keep time, leave alone a date that keeps me waiting. Ladies, keeping a man waiting is no longer cool. Men have things to do nowadays. I’m sure the premier league wasn’t as interesting 20 years ago. Bars were definitely fewer. I once went for a date with this chick who after keeping me waiting for about an hour, gets to town and tells me that when I first called her (five minutes past our agreed time), she was just about to take a bath! I actually considered cancelling the date. I wish I had.

That brings me into me to the second point: Acting dumb or just being dumb. How do you keep someone waiting for one hour then go ahead and tell him that you had not showered by the time you were supposed to meet? I think that’s being plain dumb! Saying that that her hair had accidentally caught fire would have been a smarter thing to say. The chick was pissing me off and she was on a roll.

Men like smart ladies. We like ladies that know what is happening around them, and not just who Kim Kardiashan is dating or what Beyonce had for dinner. Grab a newspaper once in a while or watch the news. It will go a long way. Of course this does not mean you go on and on about your thoughts on Gema and Kamatusa, while the man is trying to compliment your figure.

Closely connected to this is a lady that can challenge a man. A chick that agrees with everything the man says is a big turn off. You got to have a stand of your own. On the other hand, challenging everything a man says might end up bruising his ego so you might want to moderate it. But don’t just nod your head the whole time. Once in a while disagree with him and present your stand. Well, as long as you do not argue that you think boys in Mohawks look cool.

There’s this misconception among chicks that while on a date, the less you eat the more ladylike you appear. That’s so far away from the truth. If a man takes you out for dinner and pays a significant sum only for you get ‘full’ after three spoonfuls, don’t be surprised if the next time around he takes you to Sonford fish and chips (that’s if he’s willing to see you again). And there probably won’t be any fish; just chips and tomato sauce. Ladies, you allowed to dig in. As long as you don’t devour a whole chicken by yourself you’ll be fine. Men love chicks that give them a run for their money when it comes to eating.

Personally, if there’s one thing that’s a major turns me off it’s got to be an unambitious chick. Don’t sit with a man and tell him that all you want out of life is to get a baby girl, name her Ivy Blue then become a housewife. Share your dreams and ambitions and be realistic about them. Don’t tell us that you want a husband that will buy you a nice car and build a house that has a Jacuzzi. That shows us that you do not believe in your abilities and you are therefore looking for a man to leech on. We would be more impressed is you showed us that you have a functioning brain that can get you where you want to be.

Dress well. I was avoiding obvious tips but I realized this one might not be as obvious. Dressing is a challenge to some women. If you’re hooking up for the first date, you do not have to overdress. Neither should you underdress. You don’t need to show up looking like Eva Longoria or we might think you have esteem issues and therefore you feel the need to try too hard. Again, don’t show up looking like you just came from soccer practice. A fitting dress or fitting jeans would be good enough. Avoid cheap sandals and God forbid, safari boots. You don’t want a dude feeling like he’s on a date with Dennis Oliech.

If he takes you out for drinks, please don’t ask for a double of black label if your usual is a cold whitecap – or God forbid guiness kubwa. By the way I’ve never understood why a chick would take guiness. I imagine chicks that drink guiness sound like Ramah Nyang. There’s even a billboard advertising the drink along Uhuru highway and the tag line reads ‘come drink at the table of men.’ So unless you’re sporting a goatee please find another drink. At least one that doesn’t make you look like a man-beater.

Don’t appear desperate. Don’t make it seem like with a little sauce you would ‘eat’ the man right there on the dinner table. It’s ok to flirt a little but just don’t overdo it.

Don’t’ rant too much. It’s ok to let us know what pisses you off but don’t go on and on like the very idea of life makes you want to drive a screwdriver into your ears. Don’t get too emotional in the middle of conversations. Don’t bring up sad or distressing stories. Not on the first date. Save that for your pastor.

Lastly, don’t be stiff. Don’t be afraid to laugh. Have fun. Have a sense of humor. You’re not a courtroom. It’s not a job interview. Relax and have a good time. I like to joke so I can imagine being on a date with a chick that just sits there staring at me like I am a lecturer.

That first date might be the only chance you have. There is rarely a second chance when it comes to these things. Bring you A-game. Be at your best.

Categories: Behavior

Something for the ladies

March 12, 2012 16 comments

Last week on Thursday as soon I sat my desk ready for the day’s work, I received an sms from my good friend Joram wishing me a happy Women’s Day. I am used to such low blows from him so the first thing I did was to confirm if Alfred Mutua had shown some solidarity with our women and declared the day a national holiday. I suppose he was not aware of any occasion. Anyway I was curious to find out what Women’s Day was really about and I got onto the web to find some answers.

Wikipedia says: International Women’s Day is marked on March 8 every year. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women’s economic, political and social achievements.

What would we do without Wikipedia? I had no idea there was a specific date set aside to mark Women’s Day. I however like the idea of acknowledging our women on a regular basis. It is irrefutable that they are the building blocks of our society. I am not sure Kenyan men did a lot of celebrating though. Every other day, on the news we see a man lamenting like a little girl after having the dickens beaten out of him by his wife. I have a feeling the last thing some Kenyan men wanted to see was girl-power being promoted. You would be surprised to learn that some men would rather see the 2nd of January all over again than see Women’s Day.

On a more serious note, no one can dispute the fact that women play a crucial role in our lives. They raise us, they nurture us, and when we’re all grown up they become our companions. They deserve to be respected. No doubt about that. What I do not get is the advocacy of equality and the way it is being propagated. We have activists advocating for equality yet the same people contradict themselves when they demand for unmerited statuses and positions for their fellow women. I see a huge paradox here.

It is Gandhi who said that, “Woman is the companion of man, gifted with equal mental capacity”. I have no doubt that what women can accomplish is boundless. Instead of demanding for favors women should fold their sleeves and earn it. Joan of Arc, the Iron Lady Margaret Thatcher, Mother Theresa, not to mention our very own Wangari Maathai did it.

I have my own perception of the ideal woman in my mind: She is delightful, not just in her looks, but more so in her mannerisms. She is the kind of woman that commands respect. She is a compound of a number of attributes that I have compiled. Here we go:

The ideal woman is realistic. She knows she’s more likely to come across a laughing donkey than to find ‘the perfect man’. She does not compare her relationship with what she sees on soaps. She does not pick fights unnecessarily. She does not sulk the whole day because her man failed to notice that her toe nails looked different. She is not petty. The ideal woman is understanding and forgiving.

The ideal woman is strong – not physically but mentally. She is assertive and can stand up for herself. She walks with her head held up. She looks people in the eye and speaks with purpose. She does not giggle frivolously when any man makes a pass at her. She does not beat around the bush when she wants to say something. She is not easily intimidated. The ideal woman is self-assured.

The ideal woman is a lady. She is not desperate. She is not an attention seeker. She does not walk around looking like she tripped and fell face-first on make-up.  She does not laugh out too loudly with her mouth wide open looking like a starving alligator (and most certainly does not roll on the floor laughing). She does not fish for compliments. She is not a drama queen. She does not smash a bottle on another girl’s face because she winked at her man. The ideal woman is dignified: Calm and collected.

The ideal woman makes efforts to look beautiful. She tries to keep her weight in check. She however does not walk with downcast eyes because she is overly self-conscious of her naturally big body. She is comfortable with the way the Lord made her. She loves herself, but is not conceited. The ideal woman gets her hair done once in a while. She ensures she smells nice. She takes care of her skin. She always carries a lip balm – any woman walking around with cracked lips should be arrested and detained.

The ideal woman knows how to manage her finances. She is not always in debt. She does not shoplift. She pays her dues in time. She lives within her means. She does not buy something just because she saw Eva Longoria flaunting it on Desperate housewives. She does not sit around and wait for a man to take care of her. She does not smile at men in  bars so as to get free drinks. The ideal woman is responsible.

The ideal woman walks with a smile on her face even when her life is in shambles. She leaves her personal issues at home. She does not stress her colleagues because her husband came home with a lip print on his shirt. Even when times are tough, she does not walk around looking like the world is against her very existence.  She finds the will to dust herself off and carry on when things do not work out. The ideal woman keeps her cool even in the face of adversity.

The ideal woman is organized. She is orderly, neat and clean. She keeps her house tidy. She does not let dirty dishes accumulate in her sink for a week. She knows hygiene. She does not walk around with sweat dripping down her face – unless she is in a walking competition. She does not hang onto her weave until it smells like old sneakers. The ideal woman is immaculate.

The ideal woman adores her man. She respects him as the man of the house. She cooks for him and serves him. She is gentle when dealing with him. She knows when to talk and when to remain silent. She is not obscene – the ideal woman does not curse or hurl insults like Lil Kim is her role model. She acts like a lady, and dresses like one. The ideal woman is graceful.

The ideal woman stays faithful to her man.

On a lighter note, an ideal woman should be able to dance – well, at least sway her hips. You can’t just sit on your bum the whole night spectating like you just landed from another planet. You should have gone to watch a play or something.

That’s just my two cents worth. I will leave you with the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Categories: Behavior