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Make it rain on em H*%$

September 17, 2012 11 comments

It’s Friday night and I am seated at home browsing through Tweeter like some loner when I come across this tweet by @dailynation:

Prostitutes swarm #Narok in search of wheat boom

Now that tweet right there cracked me up. I mean how slick are these chicks? How do you just sit and think, “Hmm I gather niggaz in Narok are balling like crazy after the wheat harvest; My hoo haa ought to get me some of that cheddah!” Then you pack your luggage and just leave. I understand that all they need to carry is briefs and make-up and their entire luggage consists of a handbag but still…

I imagine Narok right now looks like the Red-light District. Them Maasai Morans must be having a ball! Lil Wayne’s Make it rain is the theme song down there.

And you know the women there cover themselves in shukas so the sight of a chick in a short dress is bound to make a nigga jizz. I imagine this is how they pick up girls in that part of town?

“Hey see this scar over here,” He begins, “it ain’t BCG vaccination. I got it when I was 15 as I fought off a lion.”

“What! You must be very lucky to have survived.” The baffled chick retorts.

“Me? Naaah… It’s my goats that were lucky I showed up in time. I ‘owned’ the damn beast.”

I would advise the prostitutes to exercise caution while going about their business. You don’t want to piss off a Maasai Moran. You know those folks never part with their rungus (clubs) and machetes so if you happen to be chatting him up and you’re tongue slips and you say something silly… something like, “Hey don’t they sell colognes around here?” The nigga will unleash a weapon and mess up your mascara. Same applies if you disrespect his livestock.

K-street on the other hand looks like the Sahara. The forsaken street is devoid of life. Only street lamps stand majestically on the pavements. Or who knows maybe the hustlers from down town (River Road) have moved there to hold the fort. If that’s the case then those folks that drive down there in their high-end cars are in for a rude shock. They’re probably used to driving by high-heel wearing, smooth-talking hotties so I can picture the shock on a dudes face when he’s approached by a miraa-chewing chick in faded jeans and trainers (or even worse, safari boots) saying, “itakuwaje mtu nguyaz, unadai shot jamo?”

Which reminds me; sometime back twilight girls marched on the streets demanding that prostitution be legalized. When it was broadcasted on the news, most of them had concealed their faces lest some bigshot realizes that the secretary he’s been banging is actually a full on langa. Some courageous ones did not give a hoot whether they got found out or not. For them it’s just business. And we all know how niggaz in town love their chipos.

So if the bill for legalizing hoo haa trading would have gone through, the proposal was that the government establishes designated hotspots where business would be conducted. As in it would have been just like your usual open market but instead of selling tomatoes, horny niggaz would check in and after careful selection, they walk into the sunset with their damsel. Or maybe the girls would also be allowed to hawk themselves. So you could be stuck in traffic at Nyayo Stadium and a chick walks up to you and goes like, “Hey handsome, nice tint. Care for a quick treat before the jam clears up?”

I wonder if in the designated hotspots, the prostitutes would be arranged in groups like vendors arrange vegetables in market place. So if momos make your cup of tea, you do not have to wander about and waste time as you look for one. They would be assorted in categories so you have tags reading momos, skinnies, dark-skinned, light-skinned, masquerading-as-chicks, trannys… and so forth.

And they would probably have a union. The KNUP. You know, just like the teachers have their Kenya National Union of Teachers that fights for their rights. That way a few policies would be put in place. For starters, I’m thinking the charges for their services would be standardized because the ones that are based downtown would cry of foul play. And if they felt oppressed, they would go on strike and demand the government to take action. The KNUP would call a press conference and voice their demands.

So anyway prostitutes in Nairobi were tired of engaging in running battles with the City Council and they wanted to run legit business. They were even willing to pay taxes! I imagine filing taxes would have been quite an embarrassing experience for the shy ones and quite morale-boosting for the bold ones. I can picture a scenario where a prosperous pro  peeks at the papers of a fellow langa and sees that her returns double that of her counterpart. She probably won’t be able to contain herself and she would go like:

“Care for some pro bono business tips?”

The underachieving one ignores her with a sneer on her face.

“First you’ve got to ditch the eye-pencil. What you think we’re still in the 90s?”

“Secondly, you’ve got to shave those legs. Jeeez, you trying to attract monkeys or what?”

And bam! Cat fight.

I used to read a certain blog written by a self-proclaimed K-street prostitute. She was obviously well educated and she told some chilling, well-written stories of her night life experiences. At times I would even find myself drawn to the extent of sympathizing with her – Like when she talked about how some clients mistreated her. On other occasions, when she bragged about stealing from her clients, I despised her. She obviously wasn’t in this business because of destitution. She never claimed to have been pushed by circumstances. It’s hard to understand why some people do what they do.

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