Home > People > How about we go kill some lions!

How about we go kill some lions!

Chuck Norris has nothing on a spear wielding Maasai Moran. Not even if he teamed up with Jack Bauer. See last week a team of Maasai Morans confronted a pack of lions and speared six of them to death. Now these guys did not go lion huntingbecause the wild cats had invaded their village and made away with their children, no, they went all macho because a pack of lions had attacked and killed a few of their sheep. Talk of being spiteful!

Just to be clear, we’re talking about six grown ass jungle lions here. Not the ones you would find sitting on stools in the Circus. Nah! These are lions that had grown tired of buffalo meat and were seeking some sheep cuisine! Those Maasai boys are not your usual blokes. That’s a tough bunch right there. Even the Alshabaab in Kismayu would drop their RPGs and run for the hills if they got wind that Kenya was sending over these Ninjas. I mean who wouldn’t?

I know a thing or two things about the Maasai culture. For one, I know that they treasure their livestock. They live, eat and breathe their cows, goats and sheep. A Maasai gets out of his shack in the morning, looks at his herd and he feels like freaking Richard Branson. In the Maasai community, a man doesn’t need to drive a Range Rover to feel like a boss. If you have a sizeable herd, then you might as well be Rick Ross. Anyone who tries to unjustfully take away a Maasai’s animal risks being speared dead. And Mufasa is no exception.

If a lion attacks a farm animal, then according to the Maasai constitution, it should be hunted to the depths of Maasai Mara (or Kitengela) and speared to death. No compromises. If the unfathomable happens, a group of strong and energetic youth is mobilized and they set out to seek revenge. I suppose there is an enlisting process. And I have a feeling boys there do not need to be begged to enlist. I imagine they show up in large numbers, each eager to serve his community. Each eager to shove a spear up a lion’s gut. I imagine the boys who are deemed unfit walk home with downcast eyes. They feel like they’ve not only let themselves down, but their sheep as well.

I am glad I wasn’t born in the Maasai community. I can’t kill a lion. Not even with a sniper rifle. Heck I only show up at goat eating parties after the goat has already been converted to meat. If I lived among the Maasais and killing a lion was the rite of passage that would usher me into manhood, I would pass. I would rather go fetch water with the ladies. No way in hell I’m I coming face to face with a lion.

I suppose constructing an impregnable barricade to protect their herd would only cost each family like what, four cows? But no. Maasai folks don’t think along those lines. They believe in respect; even from wild animals. I imagine as soon as one of them saw the sheep massacre that morning, he yelled, “Oh no they didn’t!” He then let out a loud piercing cry that woke the entire village.  A war cry for that matter not a sissy cry.  Men raced out of their Manyattas with spears in hand ready to face the enemy.

It must have been a gloomy day in the village. I imagine people were engulfed in sorrow as they mourned their dead sheep. They thought of the pain their beloved animals had gone through at the paws of the lions. And they swore to revenge. I imagine the village elder had a difficult time trying to make some men understand that they would not be part of the lion hunting party; that they didn’t make the cut. And I imagine these men felt like they had been dropped out of the Olympics dream team.

Apparently during the lion hunt one Moran got his arm mauled by a lion. I do not suppose he as much as let out a cry in agony. From what I hear, the guy talked down on the beast. He looked the lion in the eye and bellowed, “Is that all you’ve got b!tch? What are you trying to give me a love bite? My teething daughter bites harder.” Then he proceeded to shove a spear down the lion’s throat.

These guys are so bad ass, the government did not intervene because they feared for the lives of the villagers, they intervened to protect the lions. The government official was like, “I’m sure we can work something out folks. Those lions didn’t mean to kill your sheep. Maybe it’s the sheep that provoked them. Anyway the lions have learnt their lesson so please don’t go killing any more of them. Deal?”

There’s a video by BBC where three Maasai men snatch prey from a pack of fifteen lions. That’s right guys you heard me right. And it’s not like the lions were lying on the ground basking after having eaten to their fill, they were actually tearing into their brunch when the men rudely interrupted. More like the way a bully snatches lunch from a wimp. I mean why spend your energy hunting and chasing after game while you can have the lions do it for you?

In the video, the men walk briskly towards the lions. They do not falter even when the lions pause and stare intimidatingly, probably thinking ‘Who the hell those, do they know that we run shit around here?’ But as the men draw nearer the lions see the unyielding looks on their faces and they realize that if they do not make a run for it, they would be someone else’s dinner. They therefore take off and watch from a safe distance as one of the men cuts off a chunk of meat and places it on his shoulder. The men then saunter away, probably thinking ‘what a bunch of pansies’.

Now that’s gangster!

These guys deserve one of those honorary badges that are given to brave men after wars. I bet they sit and wonder how come it’s taking so long for the Kenya Defense Force to oust the Al-Shabaab in Somalia. If I was driving and I happened to knock dead a Maasai’s sheep, I’d relocate to a foreign country. I wouldn’t wait to see my fate. Not from a guy who has slain a lion!

White folk, don’t try that stunt. Please don’t. If you’re sitting there thinking you are tough because you’ve got a tattoo on your neck, think again. The lions will make mayonnaise out of you.

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  1. Alex
    June 25, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Your morans sound like they’re in the hood, all gangsta and sh!t. Hahaha… This was very funny Joey, thank you.

  2. June 25, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I saw that clip on planet earth, goodness those are the men who have real balls, no doubt. I wouldn’t go out the car let alone face a lion, face to face…

    • June 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

      You mean mean a REAL PAIR? ha ha

      Fluid writing Joey,i enjoyed it. Now let’s go get us some cats .

      • June 26, 2012 at 10:01 am

        A pair is taking euphemism too far, kinda waters it down! Lol

  3. thatguy
    June 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

    lol….call me a sissy if am supposed to kill a lion….its never that serious!

  4. June 25, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Talk to one of the maasais (esp those in Mara) and they will tell you of the one animal they fear: The Buffalo. The Buffalo is the animal kingdom’s resident sociopath. He is moody, dangerously unpredictable and has a violent temper…no one can tell what or who will set him off…even lions are wary of the guy.

  5. no 1 fan
    June 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    ha ha ha ha ha >>>>my teething daughter can bite harder??? really!! great read….

  6. Sarah.
    June 26, 2012 at 3:30 am

    Good stuff as always, I say they unleash the morans after Al Shabaab…
    I think I only saw one typo but by the time I got to the end, I was busy grinning & had forgotten about it. So, i am going to try a new thing where I cut back on my criticism & cynicism thus there will be no more pointing out where the typo’s are. Just appreciating.

  7. Omu
    June 29, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Haha”…..government did not intervene because they feared for the lives of the villagers, they intervened to protect the lions”Made my morning

  8. June 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Always glad to see ya’all here. I wish you a swell weekend and remember to raise a toast to our Maasai Morans.

  9. Adhys
    June 30, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Beautiful, lovely read. Especially for a lazy Saturday afternoon. And that last paragraph can be interpreted in many ways.
    White folk, don’t try that stunt. Please don’t. If you’re sitting there thinking you are tough because you’ve got a tattoo on your neck, think again. The lions will make mayonnaise out of you.
    Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. Love it!

  10. Liberty
    August 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Hilarious read!!! Totally made my day-wouldn’t mind getting me a strong maasai moran………..hehehe:)

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