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What the hell!

Is it just me or has today’s fashion elevated to an insane level? I was in the streets running some errands on Saturday when I ran into this youthful guy that looked like he had escaped from a psychiatric institution! Picture this outfit: The guy was wearing this big sunglasses that made his face look like an owl; a very tight, purple t-shirt that only Jimmy Gait would wear; some clownish checked skinny pants that had all the colors of the rainbow; and purple loafers. To top it all, he was rocking a Mohawk. One of those big ones that makes a guy look like he’s growing a fence on his head.

You’ve probably spotted a similar look in town. That’s the trend today. And it’s outrageous. If you’re over 18 (like the guy in our case study) and you have a mohawk on your head then you’re not only very confused, you are also a lunatic. If I had to choose between having my hair cut by a blind barber and wearing a mohawk, I’d go for the former. I’ve never seen anything as awful on top of a head. Every time I meet a guy in a mohawk I’m tempted to punch the daylights out of him. Why would you do that to yourself?

I would understand if an adolescent spots the dreadful hairstyle. He has a right to be confused at that age. I would want to meet his parents though. I can’t picture myself sitting opposite my mohawked son at the dinner table and acting all cool. It would drive me nuts. I’d reach over, get him in a choke hold and cut it with a table knife. How would such a parent even introduce his/her son? “Hey this is my son. He was last in his class so I got him a mohawk. Cool huh?”

Then what’s with the color chat look? Is that the in thing now? I think if a chameleon happened to fall on our guy, those rolling eyes would roll forever. If you have the guts to walk in town looking like that, then you’re definitely on the border of slightly insane and very insane. But I guess if Saturday was Judgement day, our conspicuous guy would be the first to be lifted to the heavens.

People need to understand that there’s a difference between fitting and disturbingly tight. It’s not fitting if it makes you look like a smokie. It’s not fitting if it makes your head look big. It’s not fitting if it makes you walk like you’re having a hernia. Guys, it’s just not fitting if it makes Cain and Abel feel like they are being punished.

Kanye West and Soulja Boy can dress however they please because they thrive in publicity. If today Kanye walked around New York wearing nothing but a bull horn covering his nether regions, the hype would only result to more albums sales. Sir, you are not Kanye West, you’re just weird.

Having pointed that out, I witnessed something very interesting as I walked through the estate last week. A woman came out of her gate and asked a kid to go inside and take a bath. The kid’s response shocked the wax out of my ears. He shouted, “ah mum you can’t see I’m playing?” I covered my eyes to keep them from seeing the thrashing that was about to erupt. But the mum’s response was even more shocking. She simply shrugged and said, “aki huyu mtoto!” (Loosely translated to I can’t believe this child). Then she went back to the house.

I couldn’t believe it! I stood there for a short while waiting to see if she would emerge with a slipper in hand. Or a rungu.  But she did not come back. The kid got away with it. I wanted to go lift him off the ground by his ears and admonish him. Or grab a branch and beat some manners into him. But what I wanted even more was to go after the mum and let her know what a pathetic parent she was. I wanted to tell her to MUM THE HELL UP. It’s only a matter of time before that kid wears a Mohawk and the mom will not be able to do anything about it.

It was distressing to watch a kid disrespect his mother like that. Even more distressing was the mother’s implausible reaction. During our days you wouldn’t even wait for your mom to come out to remind you that it was time to take a bath. You learnt to tell these things by observing the position of the sun. If your mum had to come out for you she would pull you into the house by your ear like a suitcase.

I remember when I was a kid and one of my playmates clicked at his mom after she called him into the house. You bet he got a lesson he was never going to forget. Not just him but that woman made sure none of us would ever be rude toward our moms.

If there was one thing our moms were good at, it was pinching. Those fingers could squeeze hard. It’s like women were given pinching lessons during baby showers. My mom would pinch me and it would feel like my ear has been set on fire. Even now I wouldn’t dare piss her off. I fear she still got it.

I wonder what changed. Grounding your child is not enough. Especially if he has a playstation. I’ve heard young mothers proudly saying they wouldn’t lay a finger on their dear children. You wait till he gets to form two and he grows a big head. You will be surprised at the rate at which your pleas enter one ear and leave through the other. You wait till you have to sit with him at the dinner table and he’s wearing a fence on his head. You just wait.

Categories: People
  1. Anonymous
    March 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Good advice I may say.Young mothers of today need to learn from their mothers or the world will not be a place we can live in

  2. sikalily
    March 26, 2012 at 9:23 am

    This is so true if we are not careful kids will be telling their parents what to do good read and the humuor never misses he he a fence on the head 🙂

    • March 27, 2012 at 2:39 pm

      You have to admit it, that thing looks like a trimmed hedge. Thanks.

  3. Mercy
    March 26, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I will let you in on my shock that same saturday later…still on teenagers n the dress code nowadays. Think i feel younger when im in the house nowadays coz waaaatt!!! swag is being over-rated and overdone! thanks for the morning laugh 🙂

  4. Sarah
    March 26, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Welcome to “civilization”. Sounds like kids in Nai are still behaving well in comparison to those i see on my streets. Atleast he didn’t tell her how stupid she was for interrupting his game or tell her to go to hell. On my side of the ocean kids tell their parents to f*#€ off & other things that will make you cringe everytime. So, my plan is to stay away from kids unless i am related to them & can raise my voice at them without going to jail.
    As for the fence on the head, i don’t even notice it anymore.
    Good read as always. Ps: have you watched “immigrant parents” by Russel Peters?

    • March 27, 2012 at 2:49 pm

      Now that would just do it for me! I would volunteer to discipline other people’s kids with or without the parent’s permission and probably end up getting deported.
      And yes I’ve watched immigrant parents. Very hilarious…

  5. March 27, 2012 at 1:36 am

    I think uniqueness is underrated into day’s world. I remember thinking this about mohawks a couple of back- “hairstyle zingine ni common tu sana, hata conductor hajui anarudishia nani change kwa mat”

    I still wince at the memory of the pinching – I’ve often wondered if there was a parental how-to-pinch manual ;). Ouch

    • March 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      Not only mohawks very common but also very ugly.
      Hehe on the pinching… I hope you took notes.

  6. March 27, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    No matter how long you’ve lived in Nairobi, you’ll always be stopped cold by the bizarre:-) *cues in the twilight zone theme song*

    • March 27, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      The number of nut jobs walking free in town is astounding!

  7. BloodMoon
    April 17, 2012 at 10:56 am

    skinny jeans, bright colored tight tops and mohawks…. no words! i detest them to bits!
    disciplining kids? a friend of mine once wrote, if you are born of a black woman, you know what whipping means. i miss that woman!
    great piece. I love!

  8. Anonymous
    April 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Is this article by Joey -pango? I like it! you express yourself so well. I can almost see you saying it.

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