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Saturday morning events

Saturday morning I’m awoken by the ringing of my phone. I ignore it hoping the caller will realize he/she is calling a wrong number and hang up. But the person is relentless. So I roll over and search for the phone with one eye slightly open. I want to press the hang-up button and go back to sleep. But then I see it’s my sister calling. You can’t hang up on your sister; especially if she’s celebrating her fourth day of motherhood. I figure she’s calling to tell me that her new born baby just high-fived her. But instead she tells me that my folks were robbed at 2am that night.

I sit up. I’m like what? Were they harmed? Where the hell was the guard? I thought we had an alarm system – Did it choke?  Where was the dog? (Ok our dog wouldn’t scare away a cat but at least it barks). Where were the angels?

She tells me my folks were unharmed and goes ahead to narrate the episode, which will be more interesting if I paraphrase and tell in present tense. Apparently my dad hears some commotion from the verandah and does what a man is expected to do: He gets out of bed saying to his wife “don’t worry honey, I got this” and walks to the sitting room. When he gets to the main door, the glass is broken from outside and a voice dares him to go ahead and sound the alarm. My dad realizes the buglers mean business and says there’s no need of bringing the alarm into this, and instead of them breaking through, they just wait he opens the door so they can go ahead and rob him like the nice robbers that they are.

I figure it must have been a very deep, scary voice that came from outside for him to be that compliant. The thug must have sounded like freaking Hulk. You can imagine being challenged by a dude whose voice sounds like Jimmy Gait’s. I would get my belt and flog him so hard he would reform and join a church choir.

The thugs made away with some cash, the dvd player, my mom’s laptop (how could they), phones – including the new one my mom was admiring last Saturday, and – wait for it – CHARGERS! I mean who risks his life to steal phone chargers? Isn’t it unethical for one to degrade his work like that? The devil himself must be very ashamed of them.

It’s a good thing I was not at home that night. The moment I noticed them picking chargers I would have stopped crying and found the courage to say something like, “oh give me a break guys; chargers? Really? What now are you going to take the salt shaker too? Cheapskates..” And they would all turn towards me. I would hide behind my mommy. Then they would all scramble for the salt shaker before disappearing into the darkness. Dumbass small-timers.

Anyway my sister and I agree I would pass by the city center and buy phones for my folks.

“Umm do you think they will refund me?” I ask.

“What!?” She exclaims.

“Just kidding. Ha ha ha!”

Guys, I wasn’t kidding.

I hang up and get back into the covers. I can’t sleep. I realize I would be quite twisted if I fell asleep after such a chilling story (you bet my sister did not tell it like I have). So I get up and I switch on the tv. I scroll through the channels and I see Whitney’s hits showing on Mtv Base. I find myself something to watch. You can always count on Zuku.

I watch Whitney as I prepare to leave. I have to admit I have never really been swept away by Whitney’s singing. She has never moved me in any way. My style is more of Soulja Boy Tell’em. Just kidding, I hate that kid’s guts. My pal Joy has his photo in her wallet. Child abuse.

We get to the number one song of the countdown. It’s the song is ‘I will always love you’. This one gets my full attention. I’m distracted. I drop what I was doing. My eyes and ears are fixed on the tv. Whitney looks extremely beautiful in this video. Her skin is smooth and flawless. She is calm and collected as she sings. Whitney simply looks FRESH.

Her voice! Her voice is rich. She sings the chorus and I’m in awe. At that point, I realize she’s got the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. It almost sounds too perfect to be real. Her performance is exquisite.  For the first time, I am captivated by Whitney. I am spellbound. The song ends. I start crying. I look for my hanky. I get hysterical. I smell something burning. The iron box! My Sunday best! Shit!

Anyway, the fact is Whitney is legendary. She has left her mark on this world. But over the past week there are some people who’ve managed to get under my skin and crawl beneath it. These are the self-righteous fellows on the social media who’ve been judging and persecuting Whitney because she was a crack-head. These people are acting all sanctimonious you would think they share a room with angel Gabriel. We all have our flaws! No one is perfect. Mr/Miss holiness, why don’t you shift your focus on leaving your mark on this earth. Whitney Houston can boast of 22 AMA awards, six Grammy awards, and an Emmy award among many other accolades!  These people only have certificates and they’re running their mouths.

I’m catching feelings. See you next Monday.

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Categories: True_story
  1. thatguy
    February 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

    lolest. Sadly funny. Lol. Nice robbers that they are:-). Dude, you always come through, though it was sad. Many poles to your folks.

    So i guess end month you have to shop for a new sunday best.

  2. SLY
    February 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    gosh atleast your foks are okay….Thank God….Si they shuld have called Makmende Paul Karara

  3. February 20, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Haha, how it drifted from the thugging to Whitney…
    Grateful to God that the folks are safe…

  4. mama Lauren
    February 20, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    POLE y guy, thank God they are ok, the rest you can replace. Chargers! hahahaha!

  5. Chris
    February 20, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Manze pole to Ur paros Joo, lakini I swear una-beef na Jimmy Gait hehe. pia mimi si mlike as musician lakini wewe! U literally want to wish him out of existence

  6. Sarah.
    February 21, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Your tales always deliver. Barney Stinson would not approve of the weeping though (yes, i’ve noted the Barney Stinson catch phrases).
    Glad your folks are ok.
    Ps: I think you should get your mom another laptop…that way, we’ll all get to read the tale of how she stumbled upon your blog and/or your facebook.

    • March 1, 2012 at 4:03 pm

      That was scary for your parents. I’m glad they are ok…As for Barney, the guy is legendary…he’s come up with some pretty cool English phrases…Ever noticed that social media platforms make it very easy for some people to get all judgy, pompous & bitchy…sadly really…

  7. February 21, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Wacha kucatch feelings buda haha. Pole about the folks getting robbed.

  8. Linda
    February 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Thank God the robbers didn’t harm your parents 🙂 And thanks for acknowledging Whitney’s music. That is a legacy that will live on for years and years. We all should strive for that don’t you think?

  9. March 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Thank you guys. My folks are taking tae kwon do classes. All is good.

  10. BloodMoon
    April 21, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    like the nice robbers they are….
    blistering barnacles!

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