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My ‘special’ friends

Greg the smooth-talker

Greg and I shared a dorm and a class back in high school. He was a cool, rational guy. And I looked up to him. Many of us did. This is because Greg had a knack with the ladies. I believe he figured out the psyche of women even before he could draw the map of Kenya. I looked up to Greg because wooing the ladies was not as easy for me. I was shy and tiny. I was so tiny chicks treated me like I was a poodle. During functions, even when I tried to be as smooth as Ryan Gosling in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love all I got was “aaaawww you’re so tiny and innocent.” To make it worse I had a soprano which I think shrilled when I approached a girl.

Greg on the other hand was virile. He was tall, muscular and had a deep voice. To top it all, he was a smooth-talker. He had flawless English and his pick-up lines did not start with “so do you also hate Physics…” You should have seen him in action. Chicks did not stare at the sky while he talked to them. No. They were so captivated you would think he was a fortune-teller.

You know how in a boys school there’s always one or two female teachers that you would set eyes on and feel like biting off your fingers, Greg would walk up to them and chat them up with such confidence and ease. He would even make them laugh. Do you know how hard it is to make a female teacher laugh in a boys’ high school? Especially if she knows everyone in the school (including principal and the school bus driver) want a piece of her?

Fabby the enigma

If there’s anyone out there doing a doctorate in Psychiatry, Fabby would be a great case study. Not that the guy is loco, his actions are simply puzzling, even to himself. The hardest question you would ever ask this guy is not where God came from, but simply ‘why did you do that?’

I met him on my first day of campus. We met on the corridors of the dormitory and he started talking like we had been bffs back in high school. He invited me to his room and he told me all sorts of stories till late that night. Fabby is a smart, entertaining guy with some pretty interesting stories. I instantly liked him. We soon became thick as thieves and even acquired the tag The Cramp Twins.

However, Fabby is the most unpredictable guy you will ever meet. The only thing constant about him is that he adores the female genus, and the fact that he is a skillful dancer. You would leave the dining hall or dormitory with him but by the time you got to wherever you were going to you would be talking to yourself. Along the way he would meet a hipster-wearing chick and he would ditch you without warning.

Fabby hails from Eldoret but the last time I spoke to him he was in Malindi. I asked him what he was doing there and he his answer; “I woke up and decided to relocate. I took a map and pikey pikey ponkied the damn thing and ended up in Malindi. Got into the bus without even packing a damn thing.” That’s an excerpt copy-pasted from facebook. That’s how serious it is.

Porkie my rave partner

I have never come across anyone who is more fascinated by my dark skin than this guy. If I were a chick I would be suffering from low self-esteem as a result of his insensitivity. Whenever he had nothing to say or do, Porkie would turn to me and have a go at my dark skin. He used to call me the angel of darkness, and once said that I am so dark if water was poured on my head, by the time it got to my chin it will have turned into black coffee (don’t dare laugh by the way).

He is one of the funniest men you will ever meet. I met him in campus and he soon became my rave partner. I liked hanging out with Porkie for two reasons: He was great company, and secondly he wouldn’t ditch me after I was frozen in clubs.

I remember in my first year, before Porkie joined campus, my friends and I went to Qs and we were all frozen. Luckily for my friends they managed to sneak behind the bouncer after some cuties distracted him. I tried to side-step him but he caught me by the hood of my top. My efforts to cajole him to let me in bore no fruit. I thought my pals would come out so we could all head to another club but after standing out there for 15 minutes I realized I was better off waiting for the rapture. I had to persuade the bouncer to take my two hundred bob before he let me in. If my memory serves me right his name Izzo. The guy wouldn’t just let me enjoy a night out. I hope he is now suffering from ED and his wife left him.

Porkie would never ditch me despite the fact that he was never frozen. Even in his first year he looked mature. I think he started going bald while still in primary school. Moreover, he walked like he owned the damn town. Bouncers ushered him into clubs. I on the other hand was so tiny bouncers thought I was better off playing Super Mario back at home. But Porkie would never ditch me.

Sly the party animal

Let me put things into perspective here; I believe Sly is the only person in the history of drunkards who has ever left a club at 7am, and headed to the beach for a swim. I mean who does that? Who leaves Bob’s after drinking all night and thinks ‘pfft who needs a bed while there’s the beach? Sleeping is for sissies, the beach is what’s up!’ I understand it’s Mombasa but still you don’t go to such lengths. Funny part is, while the rest of us were heading to the beach in the afternoon (you know, the time when normal people go to the beach), Sly had blacked out. Not even angel Gabriel’s trumpet would have woken her up.

Sly is the kind of person that will never pass a chance to have a drink. I have a feeling when she was small, she had a dream that one day she will wake up and there will be no more fun in the world. That fun will run out. She dreamt that one day inflation will hit us so bad all recreational places (read clubs) will close down and the best fun you will afford is a game of checkers. Guys what’s the opposite of the phrase ‘it’s never that serious?’

Last December, while at the coast, she partied for six straight nights. I thought she would finish her money and come back home on a camel, or never come back at all.

Sly is just special. I have never seen her gloomy. She’s always in a good mood. She is all about making merry. She is never in the background. Nah. Her presence is always felt wherever she goes. She is always the life of the party.

Joram & Ivan, my mouthy workmates

These two go hand-in-hand. They are like chips and tomato sauce. No, a butt and a g-string. I think as some of us were studying computer101 they were studying the encyclopedia of insults. When together, they are a force to reckon with. When they are idle, avoid them at all costs. Go as far away from them as possible because if they start to diss you they will not stop. They just won’t run out of insults. If only they would channel that creativity somewhere productive. This one time I pissed off Ivan and he was like, “Joram, this guy is so lucky I don’t hit girls.” Of course I bolted as fast as I could. I knew what would follow would be nothing short of an avalanche of insults.

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Categories: People
  1. thatguy
    January 16, 2012 at 8:54 am

    too funny,butt and g string! you should coz you wear them.

    • January 16, 2012 at 8:58 am

      C’mon Joram, let’s not do it here.

  2. Anonymous
    January 16, 2012 at 8:55 am

    your friends are truly special he he he nice piece as always!

  3. Anonymous
    January 16, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Am so touched,am actually thinking of shedding a tear.ooh shoot wth am i saying,anybody darker thn u is not human,you do know there’s scientific evidence tht they(wierd looking n unidentified objects) live among us.FYI am not bald, hair has eluded me.fabby na yeye i classify him as waliotuacha!nyc one tho u black substance!

    • January 16, 2012 at 9:39 am

      Porkie i thought i’d dissed myself on your behalf. Go easy on a bratha. Thanks man.

  4. emilita
    January 16, 2012 at 9:23 am

    they truly are special. you made my monday.

  5. Mercy
    January 16, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Hehehe! Im guessing Sly hasn’t seen this yet…something else about her…she is never short of words..or is it disses, i think she would make a good addition to Joram & Ivan’s team.

    • January 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm

      No, trust me those two boys are in their own category. Sly is special because she’s nocturnal

  6. SLY
    January 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

    mercy,start your own blog n add to me to every team you want…..FUNDAH:)
    Joel,am i that bad??????maybe if the mercies had not locked me up in the house i would have been in the beach with the “normal” people in the afternoon……..n dont be so sure i dint kam back on a camel……al tell you that story wen we r alone if you promise not to blog it:) hehehehehe but thats such a lovely piece……..i think i remamba Greg am sure if you go thru the mails i used to send to u ul find salaamz:)
    interesting friends you have i want to meet all of them…
    you should skia my voice….ul know that i din sleep during the weekend either……dint even go to work jana thats why i dint read it jana…..but its crazy:)

    • January 17, 2012 at 7:02 pm

      If you are in my special list then yes it’s that bad. Can’t wait to hear the story. But if you came back in someone’s luggage then that I have to share

  7. January 26, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    I like your humor Joey …keep the tales coming ! 🙂

  8. Linda
    February 1, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Am in a training and chose to read this instead…lol! Butt and g-string???????? Haujawashow vipoa!

  9. Sarah.
    February 20, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Your tales are quite interesting!!! Love the black coffee comment the most 🙂

  10. Liberty
    August 21, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Quite a bunch of special friends you have there Joey………….

  1. September 3, 2012 at 8:31 am

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