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Among the flock

I went to church yesterday. Oh yes I did! I must admit it had been quite a while. Last Sunday I was too exhausted after attending Safaricom 7s the previous day (exhausted here might be euphemism for nursing a hangover).  And you know folks there don’t watch rugby while sipping on afia juice; last week but one I was at the Coast. Not that they do not have churches there but… you know. The week before that, there was RWC finals. And the service was to start just before All Blacks performed the Haka. Let’s just say the last time I attended service might be sometime ago when Prophet Harold Camping predicted doomsday. Anyway I cleaned up, dressed like a church-goer, picked up a pen, a notebook and my Bible and went to church. Ok I who am I kidding?

People go to church for varied reasons. But I believe the main reason is to seek solace. The most defining thing about life is that you can never be sure what tomorrow will bring. We therefore go to God for guidance and protection. We go to Him so He can watch over us even as we transgress. And on Sundays we go before Him looking all remorseful, hoping He will look past our indiscretions and still call us His children.

Anyway I got to church and took my sit on the third last pew. I never sit at the backbench since that day I sat next to a dude who smelled like a brewery. I mean this guy was still intoxicated and I could tell that he had come straight from the rave. Every time he reached for his handkerchief I was afraid he would unleash a quarter of Kenya Cane; or God forbid a pack of trust condoms escapes and falls right in front of me. Thankfully it was not communion Sunday because this chap was only one wine tot away from a blackout. I had to share a hymn book with him and I think I heard him humming to “no retreat no surrender” as we sang Rock of Ages!

I also shy away from the front seat lest a demon is exorcized and it comes looking for the least righteous person in the congregation. That’s when you would actually appreciate the drunken believer.

Anyway when I got in there was a man on the podium who was on his third point on why we should give tithe. I was about to turn right back but I realized the first service was concluding so it was giving time. I therefore decided to be a bit more patient. After the pep talk on tithing he went on to talk about the importance of ‘giving’ selflessly. He mentioned something like “you honour your Father with your offering.” Coincidentally (or maybe not) this was just as an usher presented me with the money bag. You don’t unleash a 50bob note after such a statement. I had to dig deeper into my wallet. Smart move Pastor.

The second service was soon in progress, and a guest by the name Florence Muriethi was introduced. I’m not really good with names but this one I remember. There was cheering and ululation from the crowd as soon as her name was mentioned and I thought she must have been the one with the keys to eternity. Apparently Florence is an icon in the gospel music industry, and I might have been the only one in the congregation who did not know her. Of course I was determined not to give away my ignorance so I clapped and smiled like she was my favorite gospel singer.

I must admit I appreciated her as soon as she began to sing. Unlike Avril and Marya, Florence has an idea what she is doing. She sings from the heart. She recedes into her own zone when she sings. I could tell she does not do it for the masses. She connects with the words in her songs and she sings for her God. She has an amazing voice too. Apparently the Almighty had done some miraculous things in her life and this was evident as she sang. I must say she blessed me. I’ve just seen one of her songs, Omba, is on youtube. If you need some divine intervention you can check it out. Don’t be shy. I’m sure Rihanna would do just fine without one more hit.

Florence clearly set the mood right since prayer time ensued and people spoke in tongues! I’d definitely like to speak in tongues some day. Seems like a really nice place to be at. How does one get there anyway?

Mr. Preacher was just about to take the podium, and I was eager. You see there are all kinds of preachers out there. There are those preachers that always leave you inspired and revitalized; those that talk about blessings and good things that are bound to happen in your life; those that re-assure you and give you renewed energy and zeal to face this life. Joel Osteen comes to mind.

Then there are those that will make you feel like you’re Satan’s deputy. They will rebuke you so hard by the time they are done you will either volunteer to walk to the front and get them demons cast out of you; or you will walk out and it will take an end time prophecy to get you back to church.

Of course there are always the weird ones: There are some that feel the need to apply some crazy antics while delivering the word. You know those that will go to the extent of doing a cartwheel on the dais.

Anyway the preacher of the day was introduced. He seemed descent. He walked gracefully to the podium and I was keen to hear what he had in store for me. He almost fit my picture of the ideal preacher. If only he had a white dove perched on his shoulder…

I have to admit this article struck me while still in church. Yap the church is meant to inspire in many ways. I thought this would be one of those posts that will actually add value to your life. So you can imagine how disappointed I was when the preacher took the microphone and started ranting about some fund raising function to be held the following week. He went on and on for a good fifteen minutes and I could not take it anymore. I was upset and I got up to leave. As I was walking out, I heard him cite something profound; something I took home with me. I have no idea how he arrived at this but he mentioned something like: “CONFESSION MAKETH POSSESSION.” Now that’s something to think about isn’t it?

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  1. November 14, 2011 at 8:59 am

    That was truly inspirational n funny……really Joel?cartwheel on the dais?LMAOF… i think those ones r possessed……nway this is a good way to start a week!!!

    • November 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

      I swear some do that. Nice to have you as a fan Rits!!

  2. shel
    November 14, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    🙂

    • November 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

      Smiley face back to you

  3. Tech Man
    November 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Joey,
    “no retreat no surrender” as we sang Rock of Ages! really this has cracked my ribs.Your doing really fine keep writting.

    • November 15, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      Thanks Tech Man. I sure will.

  4. muungwana
    November 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    why hadnt i discovered this blog?great piece.and i love the humour

    • November 15, 2011 at 2:19 pm

      Thanks Sir! Welcome aboard.

  5. Anonymous
    November 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    nice breakdown of events leading to a church service.am curious though;wen u say u fear sitting at the front as exorcised demons might find u as the most habitable brethren since u’re less of a church goer i differ with that.My theory which holds water from any perspective is tht demons find solace in the dark.I BELIEVE there’s no man as black as u who attends church service.the demon would jus find the most uniquely striking individual to call home.(blacki wewe)!!

    • November 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm

      Porkie you retard! Nice to see you here!! That’s actually funny. You are an outstanding creature and I have to feature you in my blog someday.

  6. November 22, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    I like how you write simply, about what you witness, what you see, what you observe…like you’re letting us glimpse into your most private journal. Goodwork.

  7. Liberty
    August 21, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Gawsh people go to church drunk???Very disheartening:(:( However,i love the simplicity with which you write & you’re quite the narrator aren’tcha??? Keep up the excellent work!!

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